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When you get together with somebody you'll often start out by kissing and then over time move onto more intimate activities.

‘Foreplay’ is the word we use to describe the kissing and sexual touching in the lead up to having penetrative sex, and can involve all kinds of sexual contact. It's a really good way of getting to know each other’s likes and dislikes, and is a big part of getting in the mood physically and emotionally. It can also be about building trust with your partner.

These things can cause you to feel sexually aroused, which will be different for boys and girls. Boys will get an erection when they're aroused. This means their penis will get hard. For girls it's a bit different - their vagina will feel wet.

When we get aroused sexually it's often very difficult not to move on to having penetrative sex - all kinds of reactions in your body have been set in motion and sometimes they are hard to resist. It might be better to make the choice to have sex when you’re ready rather than just let it happen though.

How do I make decisions around sex?

The most important thing about decisions around sex and relationships is that you remember to respect yourself and your partner, then you will keep yourself and each other safe and still have fun! Whether you are looking for that special someone or a passionate one-nighter, be clear with yourself and your partner about your intentions, then you’re both less likely to get hurt.

It is also important to keep in mind what the laws are around the age of consent for sex. Normally this is 16, but it also depends on the age of your partner. See our 'Sex and the law' page for more details.

How do I make sure I have the sort of sex I’m happy with?

Make sure that you think about what feels OK for you. There’s no rush! It’s really important that you and your partner check out with each other what feels OK and that you feel comfortable enough to say ‘no’ at any point. Keep talking.

Sexual acts

There are far too many sexual activities for us to list them all here. However most sexual acts fall into a few broad categories and it's worth us talking through them.

You'll often find that people use lots of slang words to talk about sex and it might seem that everyone knows what they mean but you. Don't worry, in most cases these words will probably turn out to mean one of the activities listed below.

If it says `Risky’ next to any of them – it means doing them could put you at risk of catching a sexually transmitted infection (STI).

It is also important to know how to protect yourself from unwanted pregnancy. Condoms are the only form of contraception that prevent pregnancy and STIs, but other forms of contraception are available.

Kissing
Also known as french kissing and snogging.

When people talk about kissing, they don’t generally mean the peck on the cheek they get from their mum. Instead they mean kissing using tongues, where your mouth is open and your tongue meets with the other person’s. Kissing can feel really good and, as with most things, practice makes perfect, so don’t worry if you don’t get it exactly right first time.

Mutual masturbation
Also known as tossing off and fingering.

A big part of having sex is exploring each other’s bodies, and in particular each other’s genitals. Mutual masturbation is where your partner stimulates your genitals with their hands, sometimes to the point of orgasm. For a man this would involve his partner touching his testicles (balls) and stroking his penis. For a woman this could involve her partner touching the vulva, clitoris or inserting fingers inside the vagina. Lots of people also enjoy their partner touching or inserting fingers inside their anus (bum), as there are lots of nerve endings in this area.

Fellatio
Also known as a blow job, oral sex or giving head. - Slightly risky

Going down on a man involves lapping, licking and sucking the penis and testicles, usually with the man’s penis penetrating his partner’s mouth.

Anilingus
Also known as rimming. - Slightly risky

Rimming is kissing, licking and exploring your partner’s anus (bum) with your mouth and tongue. Lots of people enjoy rimming because there are lots of sensitive nerve-endings around the anus.

Cunnilingus
Also known as oral sex, or giving head. - Slightly risky

Going down on a woman involves lapping, licking and sucking the vulva, clitoris and vagina, sometimes to the point of orgasm.

Vaginal sex
Also known as fucking or shagging. - Risky

When we talk about vaginal sex, we usually mean sex where a man puts his erect penis inside a woman’s vagina, but it can also refer to a woman being penetrated with a dildo or vibrator (sex toy). Vaginal sex is the way to become pregnant.

Anal sex
Also known as fucking, buggery and sodomy. - Risky

When we talk about anal sex, we usually mean sex where a man puts his erect penis inside a woman or a man’s anus (bum), but it can also refer to a person being penetrated anally with a dildo (sex toy).

If you have a question or you are unsure about anything then ask a Talksafe Counsellor or Peer Mentor.

Sexual health quiz

Just how safe is the sex you're having? A lot of people don't find it easy to talk about sex and this makes it hard when you're starting out having sex to make the right decisions to look after your sexual health. Take our sexual health quiz to see how you are doing.

Links

NHS: Ready to go all the way?

Young People Friendly: Are You Ready?

NHS: Sex activities and risk

Young Adult Health: Safer sex

Last review: 03/06/11 - Next review: 03/06/13